One of the surprising experiences I
(Joshua) have had during our month of spending in only seven places
is the forced practice of reception.
Last week Alyssa and I were hanging out
on a lazy evening. Our lazy evenings are valuable considering my
schedule as a Resident Director tends to be consistently inconsistent
and constantly moving and this night was particularly valuable
because later on I had a meeting to attend and the next
night was to be spent at a roller rink with 100+ students. This
particular lazy evening had us thumbing through the chalky pages of the local paper only to find free screening of the film
51
Birch Street - since taking up this endeavor we have developed a
bit of a radar for free things. We decided to attend the film and
invite my colleague/friend and her husband.
I didn't think anything of
my invitation, but in the conversation with our friends I realized it
was a bit awkward. Going out to a movie almost always constitutes
dinner before or after and this was no exception . . . except . . .
my colleague suggested that they could pay for us. She needed to
check with her husband and then get back to me. I supported her proposal
of gender equality/marital communication and reluctantly accepted her
offer. But I felt guilty. My mind pondered, “why should they pay
because of a decision that we made?”
The next day went by and I didn't think
of the matter much – I was busy making a fool of myself at the
skate rink, feeling like a fawn learning how to walk. I had a meeting with faculty members on Friday and since academicians like to pontificate and split hairs, my
meeting went long. Making it to the film and dinner beforehand was
going to be impossible so we ended up going to the campus Dinning Commons, which is free for Residence Directors. The difference between my confidence in a meeting
with a room full of doctorate degrees and talking to friends about money was
unbelievable. I went from emboldened to baby in the short trek from
the administration building to the Dinning Commons.
We enjoyed the movie and had pretty much put the issue of money
at the back of our minds again. But once we got to the car we could
feel the tension. The front seats of our Rav4 filled with
unsureness. I decided to ask about the money, but as the words came out I didn't know how
to be direct, it was like I was in 5th grade trying to
tell Tiffany, that cute girl in the front row, that I was crushing on
her. Somehow through my clumsiness our query fumbled out of my mouth.
To our surprise, they said, “you didn't get our text? We already
said we would pay.”
It is strange to think about how
much trepidation we had. It felt wrong to receive and even more wrong
to ask for something despite the fact it had already been offered.
When we can buy, when we have power and
control, we don't often receive well.
We get a lot of
things in our lives, Christmas and birthdays are filled with gifts.
But getting and receiving are different. When we get things, it is
about us. It is the expectation because of an event, it does not feel
sacrificial or very relational. Getting can include
lowered appreciation and a reduction to things. Most of us have been
trained to say, “thank you” when we get a gift, but I question
how thankful we actually are. How quickly those gifts pass away for
something new or they are just forgotten amongst the many other
things in our life. Our appreciation of the things we get wains
quickly. Moreover, we reduce our perspective when we get “things.”
The primary focus is often on the “thing”. We marvel at a new
book, a new dress, a new knife (my Christmas gift this year), and
displace the real gift, which is the love in the giving of another
person. The “thing” should just be an outward expression.
An attitude of
reception allows
for the giver and relationship be the emphasis.
Receiving
means letting someone else do something for us that we can't do
ourselves. This expands "gift" away from primarily the things we get - we have the ability to get things for ourselves - and refocuses us on
the relationships, love, and care we receive be it in the gift of a
new car, loaf of bread, help with a project, or quality time. In our
scenario above, what Alyssa and I received wasn't the 30 bucks for
appetizers and beers afterwards, it was hospitality and love. We let
others meet us where we were, in our context, and care for us.
We don't receive very well in our
culture, we like to go it alone or fake that “we got this.” It is
an expression of strength, though often a faux strength, that we
constantly propose. But receiving means acknowledging imperfection
and incompleteness. That is hard. That honesty requires fighting the
myth of the self made man and the pulled up by bootstraps mentality.
It means giving up control and power.
Within the Christian faith, rhetoric
leads us to hospitably receive rather than transactionally
get. Phrases about our faith are ,“Receive the Gospel”
, “Receive the Sprit” , “Receive Redemption” . . . we do not
talk about “getting.” Christianity values relationships with God
and others. Salvation as a gift is not primarily about not going to
hell, it is about being back in right relationship with God. It isn't
just a “thing” of salvation, it is a relationship of
reconciliation. A reconciliation that requires us to give-up control
and power, expand out image of salvation, and receive the love of
God.
Ultimately a real gifts are about
receiving love.
